Steve Marzolf [editorial/content/strategy/copywriting]

work I've done, who I've done it with and what's happening now…

Posts Tagged ‘Creepy-Crawlies

The Five Deadly Venoms

Don’t let America’s most poisonous beasts ruin your summer




Timber rattlesnake: Located in any wooded or grassy area in the eastern half of the country, its cousin the diamondback prowls the west. The cocktail of poisons in the venom stops blood coagulation and can cause cardiac arrest. Did we mention the pain lasts for days? Their fangs can pierce canvas, so skip the tennis shoes and lace up the leather shit kickers. And make noise – a spooked snake bites. Sucking the bite only spreads the poison. Head to a hospital for antivenom. And bring your credit card: A dose is $1,000.  

Brown recluse spider: These guys appear across the entire south central portion of the country – often in homes, where they like to set up shop in shoes and even bedding. A bite won’t kill you, but the necrotic wound it leaves behind will rot your flesh down to the bone. If you feel one crawling down your neck, gently brush it off. Smacking it will guarantee a poisonous bite. Doctors will give you steroids or Dapsone. If necrosis sets in, they’ll carve out the dead tissue like a melon ball. 

Bark scorpion: Found in rock piles, forests and – like the boogeyman – under your bed if you live in the southwestern United States. Its neurotoxins can give you muscle contractions and fill your lungs with fluid, which could literally drown you. Fun! Seal wall foundations and doorjambs; if two credit cards fit into a crevice, so can the deadly scorpion. Elevate the bite area to reduce swelling, and if you can’t handle the pain, head to the hospital for some antivenom.

Portuguese man-of-war: Their home is the Pacific Ocean and the Atlantic as far north as New Jersey. Yes, they’re attracted to IROC-Zs and gay governors. If you don’t drown while falling prey to an allergy-induced shock, you’ll survive with some permanent chemical burns. Heavy winds can blow them toward the shore. Watch for tentacles washed up on the beach, which can still sting you. It peppers your skin with poison darts called nematocysts. Stay in the salt water and scrape clean with a shell. 

Killer Bees: Abandoned structures like doghouses (or meth trailers) throughout Texas and nearby southern states make great bee habitat. Its venom is weaker than a honeybee’s, but when 1,000 or more attack, it more than makes up the difference. If you’re within 100 feet of a nest, they’ll mark you as an intruder. So, if you spy a cloud of buzzing death nearby, run! Use the edge of a credit card to scrape stingers off. But the bee’s toxins can strain the heart, so head to the ER.


Killer Cocktail [Take a swig of the manliest vino ever made: cobra wine]

Get ready for a real snakebite: Cobra wine packs a whole cobra into a jar of rice wine for this bio-lab-looking libation reputed to enhance the performance of the trouser snake. The alcohol nullifies its venom, so it’s safe for swilling (unless you have open sores in your esophagus). It’s legal in Vietnam – for now. Support is growing to ban the popular reptilian hooch. Turns out with so many cobras bottled up, the rat population is spiking.  

Written by Steve

November 7, 2008 at 10:28 am

Posted in Maxim

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World of …

Far more than you’ve ever wanted to know about robots, bugs and snack foods … 

Written by Steve

November 1, 2008 at 12:04 am

Posted in FHM

Tagged with , ,