Maxim

It’s tough to dig fall foliage with a tree limb gouging your pal’s torso. Here are some backwoods medic tips so you can play hero. See you on Dateline! 

Sliced: When your buddy’s need to knife-juggle turns your hike into a slasher flick, apply firm pressure for 10 minutes directly to the gash, says Dr. Paul S. Auerbach, author of Wilderness Medicine. If anything’s poking out – bones, robot innards – don’t put it back; you’ll introduce more bacteria. If your pal suddenly has clammy skin, a racing pulse, and shallow breathing, elevate his legs 30 degrees to pour blood back toward his heart to stave off shock. Camping is fun!

Smashed: When a limb is crushed by a falling Redwood, don’t try to amputate, regardless of how hopeless it seems or how bloodthirsty you are. “Once you cut a limb off … it’s off,” Auerbach says. But if the victim is trapped and your distance from doctors far outweighs his fear of shopping for single shoes, apply a tourniquet above the wound and just saw through it. Yum! If your pal doesn’t lose too much blood, he could have a full life of pirate impressions ahead of him.

Bitten: Assuming your trail bud wasn’t mauled to death by that kill-crazed liger, the key after an animal attack is to fully clean out the wounds. A bear, a wildcat, or an angry unicorn has more germs in its mouth than Amy Winehouse. According to Dr. Luanne Freer, a medical director at both Yellowstone and the Mount Everest Base Camp ER, “Simple dish soap will kill the rabies virus and get out the bacteria that can cause complications in the weeks to come.” So don’t forget to pack the Palmolive.

Gouged: Arrows, ski poles, javelins – no matter how ghastly it looks, don’t pull it out. Besides possibly shredding up more tissue, you’ll eliminate the one thing you’ve got going for you: a plug – the perfect stabilized state. “If it’s occluding a big blood vessel and you take it out, the person could bleed to death,” Auerbach says. If it’s not bleeding too badly, you have a little time (up to a day) before an infection kills him. “So, dude, you feel like finishing the hike and then heading to the ER?”

Burned: First, apply bandages. Then wrap them in plastic – keeping air off the scorched nerves diminishes the pain. And don’t underestimate simple meds. “Any anti-inflammatory will help,” says Freer. “I give Ibuprofen to some burn victims, even if I have narcotics.” Drinking lots of fluids is key. The body can lose liters of water in a few hours when there’s no skin left to retain it. In the meantime, give your ailing chum a stern talking to about how enflamed humans start forest fires, too. 

Don’t let America’s most poisonous beasts ruin your summer

Maxim

Timber rattlesnake: Located in any wooded or grassy area in the eastern half of the country, its cousin the diamondback prowls the west. The cocktail of poisons in the venom stops blood coagulation and can cause cardiac arrest. Did we mention the pain lasts for days? Their fangs can pierce canvas, so skip the tennis shoes and lace up the leather shit kickers. And make noise – a spooked snake bites. Sucking the bite only spreads the poison. Head to a hospital for antivenom. And bring your credit card: A dose is $1,000.  

Brown recluse spider: These guys appear across the entire south central portion of the country – often in homes, where they like to set up shop in shoes and even bedding. A bite won’t kill you, but the necrotic wound it leaves behind will rot your flesh down to the bone. If you feel one crawling down your neck, gently brush it off. Smacking it will guarantee a poisonous bite. Doctors will give you steroids or Dapsone. If necrosis sets in, they’ll carve out the dead tissue like a melon ball. 

Bark scorpion: Found in rock piles, forests and – like the boogeyman – under your bed if you live in the southwestern United States. Its neurotoxins can give you muscle contractions and fill your lungs with fluid, which could literally drown you. Fun! Seal wall foundations and doorjambs; if two credit cards fit into a crevice, so can the deadly scorpion. Elevate the bite area to reduce swelling, and if you can’t handle the pain, head to the hospital for some antivenom.

Portuguese man-of-war: Their home is the Pacific Ocean and the Atlantic as far north as New Jersey. Yes, they’re attracted to IROC-Zs and gay governors. If you don’t drown while falling prey to an allergy-induced shock, you’ll survive with some permanent chemical burns. Heavy winds can blow them toward the shore. Watch for tentacles washed up on the beach, which can still sting you. It peppers your skin with poison darts called nematocysts. Stay in the salt water and scrape clean with a shell. 

Killer Bees: Abandoned structures like doghouses (or meth trailers) throughout Texas and nearby southern states make great bee habitat. Its venom is weaker than a honeybee’s, but when 1,000 or more attack, it more than makes up the difference. If you’re within 100 feet of a nest, they’ll mark you as an intruder. So, if you spy a cloud of buzzing death nearby, run! Use the edge of a credit card to scrape stingers off. But the bee’s toxins can strain the heart, so head to the ER.

Killer Cocktail [Take a swig of the manliest vino ever made: cobra wine]

Get ready for a real snakebite: Cobra wine packs a whole cobra into a jar of rice wine for this bio-lab-looking libation reputed to enhance the performance of the trouser snake. The alcohol nullifies its venom, so it’s safe for swilling (unless you have open sores in your esophagus). It’s legal in Vietnam – for now. Support is growing to ban the popular reptilian hooch. Turns out with so many cobras bottled up, the rat population is spiking.